Doing it Wrong: Shut Up, Casino Pauma

Most of what I know about casinos comes from two sources:

Mamie Van Doren in 2007, age 76, according to Wikipedia.

(1) The 1978 Aaron Spelling-produced TV series Vega$ (1978-1981) — which was sort of like The Love Boat for aquaphobes, if Lauren Tewes was allowed to write all the scripts while still high on cocaine. The Captain and Tennille played themselves on one episode. Also Mamie Van Doren showed up in an episode one time and let’s just take a moment to look at the picture of Ms. Van Doren at right, a spry 76 year-old who owes her ageless looks to water, sleep, and exercise.

(2) That one episode of Murder, She Wrote, called “A Killing in Vegas,” where Jessica Fletcher leaves the comforts of Cabot Cover for the sparkle, glamour, and homocide of Las Vegas. It guest-starred the guy who played Hutch of Starsky & fame. In it, Jessica is attending a convention in Las Vegas and meets up with her editor’s daughter whose boyfriend may or may not have killed a seedy casino owner. It’s not my favorite Murder, She Wrote; that’s a toss-up between season 1-episode 8 “We’re Off to Kill the Wizard” where Jessica has to design a haunted house for an amusement park, or the one where someone dies under mysterious circumstances. (P.S., her editor is played by Bruce Gray, whom you may remember from such films as 1966′s Adulterous Affair in the role of Russ, or 1992′s A Murderous Affair: The Carolyn Warmus Story in the role of William Aaronwald and as soon as that shows up on Netflix you’re ALL invited to my house because I have a LOT of things to say about Virginia Madsen.)

So — while my knowledge of casinos may be limited, I’m pretty sure I’m right in saying that this place is doing it wrong:

That’s from the super-trashy Casino Pauma (“Your Casino” — which: no thank you), somewhere between Los Angeles and San Diego and Total Despair.

At first glance, you might think, “Come on, Mike: it’s tongue-in-cheek. Maybe it’s in a little bad taste, but lighten up.”

But, unfortunately, no. It’s not tongue-in-cheek at all. It’s a marketing plan: ‘Spring into Cash’ at Casino Pauma.

The text of the press release reads:

Want help paying your bills? Well, head on over to Casino Pauma for their “Spring into Cash” promotion, where all throughout March and April you’ll have the opportunity to win $1,500 a month for six months! Behind on a car payment, or phone bill? Well, now you can pay it off and still have a little money left behind. At Casino Pauma they take the stress out of bills, and let you have a little fun while you’re at it. Casino Pauma offers plenty of table games, including Ultimate Texas Hold ‘Em, Roulette, Blackjack, as well as hundreds of slot machines. You know, just in case you want to play a little with all of that extra cash. The “Spring into Cash” drawings occur on Sunday, March 27th and Sunday, April 24th.

You know what will actually help you pay your bills? NOT GAMBLING THE MONEY YOU ALREADY HAVE AT THE CASINO PAUMA.

Look: I get it. Bills cost money and sometimes you’ve bought all of these so maybe you don’t have the money you thought you did. The answer isn’t craps. The answer, actually, is NEVER craps, or blackjack, or roulette, or that one game where you have to guess where the guy is going with the $20 you handed him when he came up and said, “I bet you can’t guess where I’m going to run off to with your money.” (I think that may be only a Reno thing — and the answer is, no: I didn’t know where that guy was going with my money so I LOST.)

Casinos: Doing it ALL KINDS of wrong.