JP Morgan Chase Profits Rise 13 Percent

First off, JP Morgan Chase’s Jamie Dimon totally looks like the baby Bill Maher and Anderson Cooper would have if they were cast in the remake of the 1988 Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito comedy vehicle Twins.

Well, that baby just got a whole richer as JPMorgan Chase reported today that their second quarter profits rose 13 percent to $5.4 billion. With a B. As in boatloads or that boing sound my eyes made as they lept off of my face or boy, I wonder if Jamie Dimon has a son/heir that I could impersonate and cash in on this madness.

The New York Times characterizes the news as “a decent start to earnings season” because they’re jaded or jokesters. That a bank is showing profits at all in a global economy that’s, well, not as robust as it could be is of note.

However, because the universe doesn’t give with both hands, it’s not entirely diamond-encrusted yachts and secret unicorn farms for the multi-billion dollar bank. As the Times mentioned, “The home lending unit continued to struggle, as the bank added $1.3 billion to its litigation reserves mainly related to the mortgage business.”